What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 26.06.2025 01:11
But it wasn’t much.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
When she asked me how she looked .
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
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This is how, and why children get BPD.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I don,t even have a pension.
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We were not on the streets..
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
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Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Do you think this Labour Party is qualified to run our country?
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
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My family never makes their pension either.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
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Where the ultimate outsiders.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She loved him until the end.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I could never make a relationship work though!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Was to survive, this bastard.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
My life is so biszare .
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
But, we were locked up after school.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
So whats the point in blame.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
He was dying to do it , i knew.
(And it was in our own minds.)
It was going to be , some day.
We all went to grammer schools
But ive been too sick for many years..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I was scared of men, in general
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
He knew the spot.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
She found it foreign!.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Comes on , in middle age.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
All the time i was locked up.
I said to her
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
My mum and dad in the seventies!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I think the readers, may guess!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I couldn’t, believe it.
She wouldn,t have been !
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
I was seconnd youngest,
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Especially a lifetime of it.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
As i do to all so called friends.?
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I was very sick at this time too.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I write beautiful poetry .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Put me off passion for life!!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
One cannot live in the past .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Why did i forgive my father ?
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I have no regrets .
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I was 9 years of age.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Would this be the day?
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Who then, do I blame.?
So, i spoilt her more .
I never cut or harmed myself..
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
She married twice! .
Ive learnt so much.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
What did i know ?
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
She was in good health!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
I waited trembling.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
And i lived it daily.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Im dying but, im not bitter.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Im still living with it.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I will be 64.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
This is soul school!.